ACTION >>> Self forgiveness

Steps to develop self-forgiveness



Step 1 – Increasing your ability


You can increase your ability to forgive yourself by asking some pertinent questions …


1. How would you define "self forgiveness''?

2. Do you have any experience with forgiving yourself?

3. Have you ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt yourself or others? How did that make you feel?

4. Do you think self forgiveness has a role in your growth? How can you improve?

5. How has the absence of forgiving yourself affected your current emotional stability?

6. Has the absence of self forgiveness affected your relationships below?

□ family,

□ significant other / spouse

□ children,

□ parents,

□ relatives,

□ friends,

□ coworkers

7. Do you experience a wall or barrier behind which you hide your past real or perceived failures, mistakes, errors, or misdeeds? With whom do you experience it with?

8. Are there any beliefs that block your ability to forgive yourself? Why do they exist?

9. Do you think you need to develop new behaviours to increase your ability to forgive yourself?

10. Can spirituality play a role in helping you forgive yourself? If yes, how?

11. What are the things do you need to forgive yourself?


Step 2 – Facing the issue


Once you have developed a better picture of what is involved in self forgiveness, it’s the foundation for you to work on more specific past failures, mistakes, errors, or misdeeds.


List a failure, mistake, error, misdeed, or event for which you are unable to forgive yourself.


Whenever you recall this past hurt:

□ How would you describe your role in this past event?

□ What feelings come to mind? Why do you feel strongly over what happened? How you treated yourself or others?

□ How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability, and focus on growth is sapped from you?

□ How did this affect your self-esteem and self worth?




Now, think carefully:

□ Who was responsible for your reaction to the incident?

□ Who was responsible for your feelings about the incident?

□ Who was responsible for your inability to forgive yourself?




And lastly:

□ How can you forgive yourself?

□ How can you put this incident behind you?

□ How can you avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?



Self forgiveness mirror


This is an innovative approach to self forgiveness. To let go of your self anger, self blaming, self hatred, self disgust, and self-pity, this script should be used … say these things to yourself repeatedly …



□ I am a human being subject to making mistakes and errors.

□ I do not need to be perfect in order for me to love myself.

□ This (past event) is just an example of the challenges which I have been given on earth by God.

□ I will meet the challenge and grow by handling the pain and hurt from this problem

□ I don't need to be so burdened by the pain and hurt you feel because God has a plan

□ I deserve to come out from behind the wall that I’ve have built around myself as a result of this (past event).

□ I have within myself to grow in self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect, and self deservedness.

□ There is nothing I have ever done that can't be forgiven by my-self.

□ I’ve done the best I could at that moment of time.

□ I am working to change my compulsive and impulsive habits

□ It is ok to have slip ups, but as long as I get back on the wagon of recovery and keep on trying that's most important

□ I don’t need to further condemn myself for this past event

□ I forgive myself, I love myself & I am happy to be myself in this life

□ I shall gain strength by giving my past hurt, pain, guilt, self anger, and self hatred over to God

□ Let me hold my head up high

□ I am more free once I let go of my burden. No one needs to hold onto such a burden for so long

□ If I’ve given myself a hard time, I deserve a better life

□ I am a loveable, capable, special person

□ letting go of hurt and pain will enable my inner healing and self growth



Repeat this to address separate issues that hurt you

ARTICLE >>> Self-Acceptance

from How to Succeed at Being Yourself
by Joyce Meyer

I’ve read this piece by Joyce & it holds a lot of messages for us all … enjoy my thoughts combine with her ideas …

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he…
PROVERBS 23:7

Do you like yourself? Joyce notes that most people don't like themselves. In her experience with people, trying to help them be whole (complete) in emotional, mental, spiritual and social, she made a major breakthrough when she discovered that most people really don't like themselves. Some of them know it, while others don't even have a clue that is the root of many other problems in their life.

Self-rejection and even self-hatred are the root causes of many relationship problems. If you believe in God; he wants us to have great relationships. The Bible & Quran are books about relationships; God, with other people and with ourselves.

Did it occur to you that you even had a relationship with yourself? Your spend more time with yourself than with anyone else, and it is vital that you get along well with YOU

You are one person you never get away from.

It is agonizing it is to work day after day with someone we don't get along with, but at least we don't have to take that person home with us at night. But we are with us all the time, day and night. We never have one minute away from ourselves, not even one second - therefore, it is of the utmost importance that we have peace with ourselves.

WE CANNOT GIVE AWAY WHAT WE DON'T HAVE

In theory, when a person receives God’s love (or attains spiritual peace), they will in turn love themselves, love God in return (for free-thinkers, find love in their life) and ultimately, love other people.

But we each have out personal history, which gives us difficulties in relationships. Joyce mentioned that she could not find the people that she liked & enjoyed, who had reciprocal feelings towards her.

She quotes:

“We frequently try to deal with the bad fruit in our lives and never get to the root cause of it. If the root remains, the fruit will keep coming back. No matter how many times we cut it off, eventually it will come back. This cycle is very frustrating. We are trying the best we know how, and yet it seems we never find a permanent solution to our miseries.

I was desperately attempting to display loving behavior, but I had failed to receive God's love; therefore, I could not give love away I did not have any to give.”

Whether you believe in God or not, it is crucial to understand that the nature of our true problems and the answer to those problems that are found in spiritual pursuit. Unless we make a connection between a spiritual source & our problems, we fight the same cycle each day.

So, once we hook up the right problem with the right revelation - the devil is on his way out, and freedom is on its way in.

YOU >>> Self Forgiveness

What is self-forgiveness?

Self-forgiving is:

□ Accepting your-self as a human who has faults and makes mistakes.

□ Letting go of self anger for your past failures, errors, and mistakes.

□ Self love after admitting your failures, mistakes, or misdeeds.

□ Spiritual self healing of your heart through calming self rejection, quieting the sense of failure, and lightening the burden of guilt.

□ Accept the need to work so hard to make up for your past offences.

□ Discard sadness, and regret over a grievous, self-inflicted, personal offences.

Absence of self-forgiveness & the destructive consequences

In the absence of self forgiveness, there’s risk of:

□ Defensive and distant behaviour with others.

□ Pessimism, negativity, and non-growth oriented behaviour.

□ Fear over making new mistakes or of having the old mistakes revealed.

□ Self-destructive behaviours causing unresolved hurt, pain, and suffering

□ Self-inflicted offences causing more unresolved guilt and remorse for.

□ Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks toward your-self.

□ Unresolved self anger, self hatred and self blaming.

□ Lingering wound that disrupts the revitalization of self healing.

□ Overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non approval, low self-esteem, and low self worth.

Effects from Lack of self forgiveness:

□ A loss of love for yourself.

□ Indifference toward yourself and your needs.

□ An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared.

□ Suspicions about others' motives, behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs when they are accepting of you.

□ Chronic attacks or angry outbursts against self.

□ Disrespectful treatment of self.

□ Self-destructive behaviors.

□ Self-pitying.

□ Chronic recalling and reminding of past failures, mistakes, errors, and offenses.

□ Chronic depression.

□ Chronic hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism.

□ Self name calling, belittling, and self demeaning behaviors.

□ Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change.

□ Resistance to doing what is necessary to heal within and recover from low self-esteem.

Irrational thinking preventing self-forgiveness

Examples of thoughts that challenge change in people I’ve met & worked with …

Denial

□ No one deserved the treatment I dished out, and I do not believe that forgiveness is deserved in this situation.

□ I hurt myself so much; how can I ever expect to be forgiven for that?

□ I am sick over what I did; how can I ever forgive myself?

□ I resent myself for hurting myself or others. It is better for me to be hidden behind my wall so I don't hurt anybody again.

□ If I could treat myself or others that way, then I am undeserving of being forgiven, loved, or cared for.

□ I do not deserve any self kindness, self compassion, or self forgiveness for what I have done to myself or others; I'll see to it that I am never able to forget it!

Self hate

□ I am evil, and I am despicable. No forgiveness will ever change that.

□ I am vicious and cruel, and I always need to be on guard because of that; so why try to forgive what I have done?

Ego

□ It is a sign of weakness or softness to forgive myself. I must always keep my guard up so as never to repeat my wrongdoings.

With God

□ Only God can forgive me, though at times I don't believe He can for what I have done.

□ What has happened in my life is God's seeking revenge for all the evil I have done in the past.

Delusion

□ I am just seeking my forgiveness so that I can come back and hurt myself again.

□ All people who do wrong deserve the worst that life has to dish out.

What you can do to forgive yourself

Changing mindset

□ Belief & trust in your goodness.

□ Letting go of fears for the future.

□ Allowing your-self to be vulnerable to growth.

□ Taking a risk.

□ Developing openness to the belief that you can change.

□ Developing trust in yourself.

With God

□ Developing a personal spirituality.

□ Trust in the goodness and mercy of God to take over the burden for you.

□ Letting go and letting your God lead you during a hurtful time.

□ Believing in the infinite justice and wisdom of God.

Facing challenges, past & pain

□ Letting go of past hurt and pain.

□ Letting go of self hostility, resentment and self-destructive behaviours.

□ Working out your self anger constructively

□ Overlook/accept slight relapses or steps backward and getting back on the wagon of recovery as soon as possible

□ Open, honest, and assertive communication with yourself concerning hurts, pains, and offences experienced.

□ Identifying and replacing the irrational beliefs that block your ability to forgive yourself.

OTHERS >>> 2. Accepting others

Patience

Open to ideas

Open to change

3 keywords in acceptance

Most people accept others when they are in the same wavelength, which means there’ll be rejection.

To accept others does not mean you agree with them. It is more or recognizing the ways they are different and that they are different for their own reasons. It also does not mean that their reason makes sense to you. You just respect them for the way they are.

Most fighting in the world happens just because people make choices not to accept others as who they are. It may be for many excuses like religion, race or politics, but the questions are …

What if you let others be who they are or what they choose to do?

Would it harm you if you let them be whom they decide to be?

Is there anything wrong for others to choose to be different then you?

In a way, acceptance is to put aside bias & recognize others in their right to be different. Change agents do not fight difference, but fuse difference as a starting point towards achieving greater things.

Adolf Hitler was an example of person who detested Jews & in his hatred for them, it drew him to conduct the Holocaust

One of the great drivers of acceptance & diplomacy was Gandhi, who accepted the way the British ruled India. He did not fight it with what his fellow countrymen thought, through bloodshed, but instead, fought it with gentleman diplomacy & protests.

OTHERS >>> 1. Understanding others

To understand others, it’s not just about expanding knowledge about individuals, communities, companies or society, but also on the softer side like the underlying culture, communication

To an extent, understanding others can be as simple as reading for added knowledge … but the process of understanding is not just on acquiring the information but also using it to good effect. This is where interaction plays a role.

Understanding requires the skills of:

□ Listening

□ Asking & affirming

□ Synthesis

□ Conclusion

□ Reinforcement

To understand others, we will receive information from various sources all the time, but to make it effective, we need to engage in quality discussions to ensure we understand it correctly.

We need to constantly compare information, digest it & select those we believe in.

OTHERS >>> 3. Loving others (love thy neighbor)

The pillars of love constitute:

Unconditional; Without conditions or limitations (you do not love others only when they fulfil your requirements)

Accepting; Favorable reception; approval; belief in their potential

Forgiving; providing absolution; pardon; end of blame for their deeds

Self sacrificing; Sacrifice your personal wants or well-being for a common/shared cause

Passionate; Fired with intense feeling for you’re the relationship with others

Devoting; To give over or vow yourself to a shared higher purpose

Belief; The mental act, or habit of placing trust or confidence others

Commitment; The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to the relationship with others

Patience; The capacity of enduring hardship or inconvenience without complaint

A change agent can only be effective when they love others for who they are. Without that, it will be hard to bring yourself to their level of thinking & direction in life.

Only when you care for others sincerely, will you be able to do the right things for them and put yourself in a position to gain their trust … which is the bedrock for shared growth & opportunities.

If you cannot love others, how can you awaken the giant in them & infuse great purpose into their lives?

YOU >>> 1. Understanding yourself

To understand ourselves, these are some methods we can use:

□ Self reflection (look back on things that we have done, in long run & short run)

□ Feedback (try to see how others can perceive us, try it from as many perspectives as possible)

□ Personality Assessment / tests (take aptitude, characteristic & other types of tests to see ourselves from more scientific ways)

Examples of methodologies:

□ Self reflection

o By tasks (Projects, job change, environment change, etc)

o Periodic (Daily, Weekly, Monthly, Quarterly, & so forth)

o By stages in life (i.e. graduation, end of relationship, promotion, etc)

□ Feedback

o From friends / family

o From colleagues / professional contacts

o From strangers

□ Personality assessment / tests

o Competency / skills based

o Characteristics / tendencies (i.e. Myers-Briggs, Personality Plus, Keirsey, etc.

THE JOHARI WINDOW

Joe Luft and Harry Ingham in the 1950's devised their Johari Window which offers a way of looking at how personality is expressed.

There are aspects of our personality that we're open about, and other elements that we keep to ourselves. At the same time, there are things that others see in us that we're not aware of.

APPLICATION

The application of the Johari Window comes in opening up the public area, so making the other three areas as small as possible. This is done by regular and honest exchange of feedback, and a willingness to disclose personal feelings. People around you will understand what "makes you tick", and what you find easy or difficult to do, and can provide appropriate support. And of course you can then do the same for them.

Self-assessment questionnaires can be used to indicate the size of your public window, but any measure is purely subjective. Therefore the more you do & mroe feedback you collect, will help you define your open area. (refer to diagram below)

Start your own online Johari Window!!

Guidelines to discover yourself:

How often do you take tests?

How diverse are the types of tests you take?

How consistent are the results of the tests?

If they are not, have you thought why?

When answering personality tests, do you answer based on:

1. Who you think you really are? (screw the ‘who you should become’ thing)
2. Who you would like to be?
3. Wild guesses?

If for b. & c., then why not a.?

YOU >>> 2. Accepting yourself

To accept yourself means to be comfortable with whom you are, weaknesses, strengths and all.

Among the traits of people who are comfortable with themselves is

□ the ability to accept what they can (& cannot do),

□ to laugh at their follies and

□ to strike a proper balance between strength & weaknesses that brings out the best in themselves.

People who accept themselves

□ Acknowledge their limitations; what they can do, what they cannot do

□ Acknowledge the need for other people in their lives

□ Focus on what they can do

□ Enlist help from people for things they cannot manage

□ Do not blame themselves hard for things out of their control

The process of self acceptance goes hand in hand & interchangeably with self understanding … because we are guided by what society defines us to be, we sometimes delude ourselves from who we really are.

It takes maturity, wisdom & modesty to achieve self acceptance.

Example:

Heard of Scatman John? He's the guy who came up with the hit song, 'Here comes the Scatman'. His weakness is stuttering, so people made fun of him when he talked. But he loved music that's his strength & passion. He became a hit when he combined his weakness with his passion to attain a winning formula.

So, he did not reject his weakness. Rather, he embraced it & fused it with his best to be a star. Most important of all, he made a choice ... and POSITIVE choice.

For people finding self acceptance:

1. initiate self understanding process
2. review self understanding results.
3. Segment results according to; what you agree with, what you disagree & what you are unsure
4. Continue steps 1 to 3 until you reach an equilibrium point.

Additional thoughts ... summarized ideas from Joyce Meyer on Self acceptance