BRICKS >>> Trust, commitment & change

A change agent’s work is reflected upon the change in people and for that to be effective, the key is always the human relationships. It does not matter if it was family, friends, work or just any other type of relation … but the most important is how much we handle them.

This article comes up because over my past days in Penang … I managed to explore the importance of these facets in relationships.

People have asked me many times over the past month … and the main questions are:

• How do you ensure that relationships stay alive after a long time?

• How sure are you that your family / friend / partner will remain loyal?

Unless we understand these questions, their implications … it’s hard to remove inertia from people in building meaningful relationships …

Keeping a bigger picture

Just a thought though … that this is universal to age, race, gender & religion … that trust, commitment & ability to handle change are focal to keeping relationships healthy. I’ve often heard people sharing with me that they find others hard to trust due to all the stories of promiscuity … but I think it’s overrated because:

· What you hear are extreme cases, so what about the good ones that people don’t talk about? Can we say good things don’t happen to people?

· I’ve heard a lot sexist examples about men being the bad apples, but what about women doing the same? Just because most guys remain silent about their problems does not mean women do not contribute their share of the problem. Try think of the other side of the coin (not just in gender debate, but in general)

· I believe a relationship is 2-way … and it’s always easy to blame the latter, but most people who claim trial should hold their share of the blame for the breakdown.

· Or rather, even from the start … as in they enter relationships of convenience, so of course the expectations are already wrong from day one

Trust

The opposing force of trust is insecurity cause most people fear that relationships will fritter away as time goes by and people may just seek the easy way out by being disloyal … finding refuge in others.

I agree with people on these fears. Mainly because I’ve walked through the same questions when I thought about opening my heart to others … back sometime ago.

When I talked to EC about trust last Saturday, I concurred with her that trust is not something to be taken lightly. It has to be earned, it has to be valued & lastly be accepted with responsibility & care for the person trusting you.

The truth is … trust (as I shared with HSY) is that people take trust too lightly these days. Perhaps also people give trust too easily too.

But once you are hurt, then trust is not liberally dished out as before.

To be effective, a change agent needs to build compelling reasons for people to trust them. You cannot change people unless they can trust you with their fears, hopes & heart.

We can care for people, we can give lots of ideas and we can give our full commitment. But it will all burn to ashes … amounting to nothing unless we are granted trust … worth its weight in gold.

That, a change agent must earn.

Change

I think the first part is to acknowledge that CHANGE is INEVITABLE … it can happen. And rather than fear the negativities that it brings along, we if chose instead to embrace change … we can turn the tide.

To be in a relationship with anyone, be it family, friend or partner … and thinking that the person will not change is RIDICULOUS. But this is often the case … and while the person changes, and when we fail to recognize it … just going on with life … we WILL one day wake up & DISCOVER that this is no longer the same person we knew.

The GOOD NEWS? Some things have less change in people and it’s a person’s principles. Character does change, but solid principles stay true with minimum change throughout life.

We’ve read all about celebrity marriages, we’ve seen our own relatives go through turbulent matrimony … but I remain true to my belief that we should not choose a person for his or her characteristics … mental or physical.

The handsome looking hunk can one day be a fat couch potato. The pretty lady can be old & wrinkled all over by 40. So, they are no different from the average Joe or plain Jane of today. God is equal in this regard.

But the heart does not change, especially deep down in the principles. So, if you choose someone who’s ruled by the dollar, then you should expect that if the day comes where he or she has to choose between you or money, the answer is direct.

And if you choose someone who’s loyal by principle, he would not sell you for even the last dollar on earth.

People can change. The ugly duckling today, may be the swan of tomorrow. The geeky Bill Gates & Spielberg of 30 years ago are now the revered tech evangelist and Hollywood’s movie guru who reshaped the world. But what does not change is the REAL person within them that drove them to be themselves & to remain true to their dreams.

A change agent needs to be clear about this & communicate this to others … in as many customized & creative ways as possible to be effective

Commitment

Anyone who is in a relationship and expects a happily-ever-after-life are the most guilty of failed relationships. It’s a wrong expectation.

They fail to understand that as humans, we can get tired, frustrated, angry & other forms of negative feelings. Therefore, it means that it can happen to me or you or the other person in the relationship.

The 1^st part is acceptance … for you & for the other person … that these can all happen. Once you have that, commitment is easier to apply in relationships. Why?

Commitment is the ability to stay loyal & true regardless of change in circumstances, environment, time & place. It’s not as simple as giving or accepting it from people … but it requires maturity to understand the implications once we commit ourselves to something or someone.

It’s an unwritten contract that we bind ourselves to others & others binding them to you. It’s a 2-way thing. We don’t just commit ourselves to something shaky or that we don’t believe in. Nor do we accept the same when we do not believe the commitment pledged to us.

It’s a matter of perspective really. If someone commits to you and the reasons for the commitment is selfish, that’s not commitment; it’s a business deal, win-win situation.

Accept a commitment when you trust that this person will do all & above when the hour of need is crucial.

Give a commitment when you are prepared to give your all with no conditions.